Just a warning, this is extremely personal as I’m actually somewhat at a loss for words; I do not even know where to begin with this right now…other than to say my Mom is finally healing & my Father is fighting w/ me (over wearing Depends), which I would be finding humorous, but it’s SO not.
These past 10 days have been totally overwhelming and truly emotionally & physically exhausting…. but at the same time, also have had very brief shiny moments of clarity and serenity, for which I am so extremely grateful.
The hardest part I guess is the clinical and matter-of-factness of this all. And the fact I cannot change it or make it better.
My father has always been in command and unstoppable. He may have tried to beat the queer out of me when I was a very rebellious teenager, but that’s because of his strict military upbringing and he had an abusive father he endured as well, but I do know he only wanted the best for me and saw things in me that I couldn’t see in myself. Now I feel like he’s the kind of man I want to be.
Except for his recent diagnosis; and because of that, it’s all changed now, as you can see below:
But with all the insanity there is hope. And I’m not a religious person but I thank God for that. Because, even with the fractured vertebrae incapacitating her briefly, she’s on the mend & my Mom is still our family’s original Martha Stewart & demands my tenacity in striving for perfection.
And for that alone, I am forever grateful. She’s also taught me to find beauty in simplicity and tranquility. And especially right now, I am SO thankful for that as well.
I re-read “To Kill A Mockingbird” while I have been here, and some of the parallels are surreal to me. God knows I’m leaving next week w/ a totally new perspective. One I truly never saw coming….
But what doesn’t kill you, makes you so much more strong. It’s weird but I finally feel like I can actually believe in myself. And having to step up and face the facts and try to be the best son that I can be, is very empowering.
Last but not least, the compassion and kindness my sister has shown to me continues to inspire me to be a better human being. Her beauty is not only skin deep. But please don’t tell her that. In fact if you’re going to tell her anything tell her that I look younger than she does.